Repairing My Compass

I don’t know what’s been going on with me but for the past six months or so, trying to find motivation in anything has been really hard and I noticed that with each passing day it’s getting harder. At first it was a slowdown in my writing because work got so cumbersome, but then it started to escalate. I don’t work on my cosplay costumes as much. I haven’t been reading anything, or watching movies and TV with the same interest level. In fact, if I miss a few episodes, even of a show I love, I don’t really care. Remembering things that happened in the past episodes or in the movies I watch have been getting harder too, unless I’ve seen them over and over again. I’m talking about things I adore, like Fullmetal Alchemist. Someone will make a reference and it will go right over my head.

Most of what I’ve been doing is just zoning out on crappy facebook games or flipping through the internet looking at photos of things I want to make, populating my pintrest with pins I’ll never look at even thought I collect them with the best intentions. Even getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle. It’s taking everything I have to write this and I doubt very much that I‘ll bother to proof read it. My brain is sluggish and my body constantly feels weak, no matter how well I eat or what kinds of exercise I do. My fit bit says I’m doing great – averaging 12k – 15k steps a day. That’s almost as much as 6 miles. I’m not running these miles. I’m walking them at a standard pace.

The chores are piling up. My weight is piling up. The goals I wanted to accomplish are piling up and I have no energy or motivation to do any of it. Getting advice on how to just ‘get ‘er done’ and ‘make time’ don’t help. I just feel lazier and a bit more depressed. I’m really hoping my doc can give me some answers because right now all I have is that I’m being lazy or not working hard enough. I’m tired all the time, mentally, physically, and sometimes emotionally. Seeing friends was one of the joys in my life, but if I’m not dreading spending time and energy to be with them then something in me is scared that they’ll see how unplugged and disconnected I am.

I better put on some coffee so I can get my laundry done.


One thought on “Repairing My Compass

  1. bradnpx

    You’re not alone. Since the new year, I found it harder and harder to make the time to do anything for myself, especially music. How can I put down music, the one thing I said I’ve always been about?

    It’s been a major, MAJOR obstacle that seems to just get bigger every day. I noticed that since my communication with my best friends in and out, I’ve had no support team, no artistic circle that I belong to, that encourages and forces me to continue with my craft. It’s all on me, and that’s fucking hard.

    For me, the biggest factors are these: I have a shitty job, it’s a shitty cold stormy winter, and I’m old and feel irrelevant in the music world.

    There’s more I could bitch about, but I don’t want to steal your thunder. Just letting you know you’re not alone in this. *hug*

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